I’ve been horrible in sticking up to anything lately. There is a massive pile of unpublished drafts on this blog, especially from the past six months. I haven’t seen my friends in a while again and I even missed a dentist’s appointment, because I overslept after a very exciting night of playing League of Legends and Torchlight 2 and soldering a project I’ve been working on since before the surgeries I had back in December.
Well, this obviously has to change, even though people around me say that I have to get myself together and sort things out so that I am comfortable and no longer torture myself with my thoughts. They are right, of course. And I’m looking for a way to get there, though there still are obstacles I have to pass. Like starting to love myself unconditionally, do the things I want, and build my surroundings the way I want them. Like becoming more selfish and pursue my own goals rather than helping others when the wetland cottage I live in is on the verge of collapse. Or sinking? Who knows. I have to move out of this shithole.
I have to move out of this shithole!
And it is wonderful, how I finally started realizing it myself. Maybe the endless pile of external sources I’ve taken in over the past years are actually starting to set in. And it is not just the personal coaching self-help crap you get to see commercials for on every corner. It’s also beletry, story-based computer games, and in some cases even movies.
To the latter, it is far easier to make references, even in public, without looking like one of those enlightened sheep who stride our land and save their children from vaccination and stuff. But nevertheless, in the list I will append to this post, all the books I’ve read through that have anything to do with this matter are gonna be mentioned along with a brief note on whether they suck or not.
But back to my situation and minor details I may have not mentioned in the article on cancer. Thing is, I’ve caused all of that to myself. Living in the gloom of negative feelings taken from aspects of my surroundings. True that I’d been able to deal with some pretty well, like storming out of the house where I lived with a group of those heavily disrespectful individuals that are all around us. Mostly, though, I allowed my sensations to torture me. I humiliated myself, lowering my value in the eyes of my own and consequently in most of the eyes you get to see.
Now, I have to start gaining all the pieces of myself that I scattered here and there, everywhere. And because the love and enthusiasm I invested into releasing all the energy to others to dispose of, my karma should reward me with interest on that and allow me to take big lump-sum rewards from the environment I live in.
And while I intend to remain a highly thoughtful individual respectful to everyone else as well as the tiny wet dungball we all live on, I will no longer make sacrifices. If I am the kind of person to release positive energy into the outside world with hope of creating public greatness, I will allow myself to receive my reward. This ability of mine, a rare one among our society, is going to become my tool of trade. Whether I become a teacher, an economist, or a handyman. I am going to get paid for it. With money or love. With what I deserve from the others in return to being here for them.
I am going to take some relationships more selfishly and take what’s good for me. Let them exist until the other person starts to see imbalance. Because that is the way it’s meant to work, I suppose. If one relationship does not give me all that I want from it, I will look elsewhere. Sorry, but it’s my time to be alive. And only those who truly deserve it will get to be alive near me.
Now for the impactful sources that may have left some influence on me. [Mind that this list is going to expand over time]
- Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A Levine * The most academic one goes first. Obviously. Because it gives the most interesting account on therapeutic practice, which is heavily backed by reasonable theory. Peter Levine builds on ideas coming from psychosomatic (holistic) medicine and animal behavioral psychology in order to highlight immediate symptoms of trauma and potentially life-long consequences of interfering with the natural process of absorbing it. His main approach in aid to release such block in patients begins with observing and acknowledging internal feelings of one’s body and transition of focus from one to another, which should eventually lead to identification of the disguised tremor. He recounts numerous dramatic sessions with his clients, highlights key differences between his method and sole meditation, and provides a complete set of recommendations for potential followers. * From this book, I gained the understanding that trauma is not only a matter of mind and found a potential new way to continue my therapy. I found a specialist knowledgeable of the method and cooperate with her on approaching release of my past momentary tensions, which do continue having impact. Sometimes, we talk about these specifically. Sometimes we don’t talk much at all.
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chobsky * Of course you know the movie with Emma Watson, damnit. But the story comes from a book. A book composed of letters written by Charlie Kelmeckis, addressed to the reader. Letters in which he opens up to the non-existing individual you are, letting them know everything that needs to get out. And these describe in detail and with striking genuinity the process of absorbing a traumatic event from early childhood. * Anyway, no more spoilers here. This is my full reflection on both the book and the movie, if you’re already familiar with the story. If not, go read the book6. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson! (Emma Watson is pretty, but the book is far better an experience, trust me.)
- [Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dying-Be-Me-Journey-Healing/dp/1848507836/) * A story of almost dying after rescricting oneself to rules of society and subsequent self-perception as a failure. Explains the reasons why I may have called this whole thing upon me and tells me to stop questioning myself. While the message of the book is great and inspiring, it is not very well written, so I was stuck half way through the book.
- [Life is Strange: Before the Storm by Zak Garriss](https://store.steampowered.com/app/554620/Life_is_Strange_Before_the_Storm/) * It’s too early to comment on this one. If the first title was strong and captivating, the prequel was insane. Maybe because it was more relatable.
- The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz * This is one that I was recommended and while the key lesson makes sense, it might be hard to implement in our age. Take it into account, don’t live by it (literally.)
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson * TBA